UNIX authentication sucks. The state of the art is PAM, which is cursed C beyond imagination. However it's $CURRENT_YEAR and we have Rust now, so we can use Rust to extend that stack without having to worry about most of the problems that C gives you. This talk will cover a brief overview of the PAM API, the surreal horrors of how PAM actually works, how to meet that API in Rust so you can write your own authentication logic, and finally examples of cool things you can do with this. Along the way we will also discuss how to research things that the forces of justice have wanted you to forget.